Dawn of Warhammer 40,000: Firestorm Over Kaurava

The definitive Table Top conversion mod for Dawn of War.
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 Post subject: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:02 pm 
Daemon Prince
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Text or picture,we welcome it all...But pictures are somewhat more appealing to this Ork.

Start your engines.

"You know who are funny people?
The Guardsmen! They tell some FUNNY stories... if a little vulgar.
There's this Catachan, shows up every week, tells stories about how they got rid of their latest Commissar.
Last week it involved a bar of chocolate and an Ork."

CSM humor:
"So I walked up to a cultist and said, 'Hey buddy, you can take my extra bolter.'"

-audience gasp-

"NAW I WAS JUST KIDDING. I BEAT THE SNOT OUT OF THAT WEAKLING."

-audience 'Ohhhhhhhhh HAHAHAHAHAHAHA'-

So what's the difference between an Ork corpse and a Human corpse?
I CAN EAT A HUMAN CORPSE!

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Anaan esaam Qun, viddathari. Kost varin Qun. Asit tal-eb.
Parshaara, ebost Tamassran.


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:15 pm 
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lol not bad i like the chaos one

imperial humour

"wow how did you kill that warboss all by yourself"

-audience expects normal boring reply which might be funny-

"i raped that mother****** and then pulled off one of his fingers and yanked out his eyes with it!!!"

-auidence ".............cough......."


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 6:38 pm 
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Location: Wherever the Qun demands.
Kroot humor:
You Might Be Breakfast If...
1. We can kill you.
2. <KLIK-BLAM> Grub's up!

'Nid humor:
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Om.
Om who?
OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM


A Thorian, a Tech-Priest, and an Istvaanian are on the road. It's getting dark and they see a cheap hotel. The proprietor says, "Well, all the other rooms are packed with Angry Marines - I'm even sleeping on the dining table - and there are only two beds left, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn." So the Thorian grabs some blankets and heads out to the barn. Two minutes later he's back. "There's a grox in the barn. I'm from Calth and it's against my creed to sleep next to an impure animal." So the Tech-priest grabs some blankets and heads out to the barn. Two minutes later, he's back. "There's a Savlar Chem-Steed in the barn. I'm from Gryphonne V and it would offend me to sleep next to a horror like that." So the Istvaanian takes some blankets out to the barn. Two minutes later there's a knock at the door, and outside are the grox and the chem-steed...

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:00 am 
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Location: The worlds most boring village ever
How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.

-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.

The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!

"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller

The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:
The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists
Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!
Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.
Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).
Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"
Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.
Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").
Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.
Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?
Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.
And?.
Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?

TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS
#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...
#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...
#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.
#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...
#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...
#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.
#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.
#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.
#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...
AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS....
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.

My space marine joke..... THE SPACE WOLVES!!

CSM:Knock, knock
Space Marines:Who's there?
CSM:Boo
Space Marines:Boo who?
CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

What's better than being upgraded from a warlock to a farseer?
Not being an Eldar!

What's worse than being blamed of being on the other side of the galaxy when everyone else on your side is dying?
Being an Ultramarine!!!

A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....
Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......
Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....
Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....
5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"

The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.
"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks can't let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".

A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.
"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"
He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).
Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.
"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"

"ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!"

how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.

Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!

What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?
A good outcome either way!

Dark Angels at the movies.
(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...
THE END

Q: how many AM tech magi does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: three, one to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to swing the incense.

Why are the UM's called Smurfs? Why are Ba called swiss cheese? Why are space wolfs called mad drunken raving mindless... ahem, yes

An inquisitor walks into a bar.
++POST TERMINATED BY AUTHORITY OF THE INQUISITION++

What's the difference between 10 dead guardsmen and a Leman Russ?
I don't have a Leman Russ in my garage...

How do you get mashed guardsman out of a bowl?
With chips...

How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?
It depends on how hard you throw them...

How do you make a dead guardsman float?
With two scoops of ice cream

How many dead guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends on how much metal you stuck through them.

Brother Scout Frederick walks into a bar on Ventarus III, which is mounted at the top of a hive spire. He sees venerable Assault Brother Jentaro sitting at the bar and takes a seat.
"So, what do you carry in that big backpack, Brother Jentaro?"
"Oh, nothing. Know what's really cool about this bar?"
"No..."
"If you jump out that window, you come straight back up."
"Prove it!"
"Fine."
Brother Jentaro jumps out the window, engages his jumppack, and flies in through the window.
"Wow, cool!"
f00lish Brother Scout Frederick jumps out the window and gets splattered all over the ground. The bartender says:
"Wow sir, you're one mean @$$ when you're drunk."
"Yeah well, this is some good fenrisian ale."

Chaplain Dedicus and Captain Insubordin go golfing on Ordus Prime. On the first hole, the chaplain shoots and does pretty well, getting just above par. The captain though, shoots way too hard, and blasts the ball all the way across the course, going right through a guardsman.
"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"
"You musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever."
So they go to the next hole, and the chaplain shoots and does great, getting a hole in one. The captain again shoots way too hard and blows a hole through a passing rhino.
"Emperor's damnnation, I missed!"
"I told you, you musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"
"OK ok!"
This goes on for the entire course until the last hole. The chaplain gets par, and the captain again fails, shooting the ball off three trees and hitting his forehead.
"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"
"You shouldn't have said that! He shall strike you down!"
All of a sudden, a huge white light appears, and the chaplain is obliterated. All over Ordus Prime, every living being hears the same words in their head:
"EMPEROR'S DAMNATION, I MISSED."

What is better than winning the gold medal in the servitor olympics?
Not being a servitor

Uncle Bob, the Space Marine
The Scholar Abbot in the Schola Progenium gave his fifth grade class an assignment: tell a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Corvius said, "My father was a farmer on Acheron VII and we had a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the coach when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the Scholar Abbot.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Jorun. Tell us your story."
"MY family where farmers too. But we raised grox' for the meat market. We had a dozen grox.eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live grox. And the moral to this story is, don't count your grox before they're hatched."
"That's a fine story Jorun," he continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes sir, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle, Veteran Sargent Bob. Uncle Bob was a Space Marine in the 3rd War for Armageddon and his Thunderhawk got hit. He had to crash land in hostile ork territory and all he had was a bottle of fenrisian ale, a bolter and a chainsword. He drank the fenrisian ale on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the bolter until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the chainsword till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."
"Emperor's Throne," said the Scholar Abbot, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't **** off Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 12:42 pm 
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More funnies.Click to full view.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 3:42 pm 
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A Blizzard software dev, JRR Tolkein and Adrian Wood walk into a bar.

Nuf said

Slut patrol

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:55 pm 
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Orkses wrote:

I'll never understand what you guys see in it.There's about two pages I found somewhat funny...

----------------------------------------------

Bloodthirster: I don't know, I guess I've always used violence as an outlet for my aggressive feelings. I guess it all goes back to when I was a lesser daemon and Lord Khorne failed to come to our school play. He was never really a loving father, he never said anything nice to us, was always killing people and such. Maybe that's why I hate Slaaneshi types. I guess it stems from my inability to articulate my emotional needs.

Keeper of Secrets: I've always been kind of dependent on the affections of others. I can't think of a time in my life where there hasn't been someone there for me. I just can't seem to commit. My entire existence is spent drifting from one relationship to another. Just one debauched orgy of drugs, sex and violence after another. I think it's time I made trip inside to unlock all the 'Secrets of Me' I've been keeping bottled up. I sometimes want to just free myself from the herd and go off to graze in my own pasture....I think I love the Bloodthirster.

Lord of Change: I can't seem to accept anything for what it is. There is no constancy in my life. Nothing seems like right. I keep changing and changing yet I can't discover who I really am. Its as if the real me is lurking out there somewhere and I just need to find me. I gues I hate the Nurgle guy because he's just so plain nasty. Take a bath you loser!

Therapist: Hey, loud is not allowed Mr. Change. We shouldn't lash out at others to avoid our own pain. Why don't we put all those bad feelings in the happy box. How do you feel about what Mr. Change said to you Mr. Unclean One?

Great Unclean One: It hurts me, it really hurts me. I've been trying for eons to improve my appearance. I've tried fad diets, excercise programs, weight watchers, you name it, but nothing seems to work. As for soap it just doesn't seem to do anything for me. I blame my father. He always seemed to mistake food for love. I'd create a new plague, he'd give me a bag of Dorrito's. What's a poor daemon to do. I think I need a hug.

Bloodthirster: Get away from me!!!!!!!!

Keeper of Secrets: Come here big boy.

Lord of Change: I LOVE YOU GUYS!

Bloodthirster: Hey, get your hand off of my ASS!

Keeper of Secrets: Sorry.

(Their eyes meet)

Bloodthirster/Keeper of Secrets: I love you! (They embrace passionately. The Bloodthrister sweeps the Keeper of Secrets off her feet and carries her out the door.)

Lord of Change(to Unclean One): Sorry about the 'loser' comment, wanna get a beer? There's a great sports bar down the street.

Unclean One: "I'm there buddy"

The following day, private session. A giant burning ember of a man sits chainsmoking in the therapist's office.

Avatar: I don't know, I feel torn apart. Part of me wants pleasure the other violence. I here voices all the time. I feel as though I've been torn apart and scattered to the winds. The eldar look up to me, but they hate the part of them that is me. I don't know what to think. I spend most of my time just sitting around, then suddenly I'm full of energy. I spend my life swingin between these highs and lows. You've gotta help doc!!!!

Therapist (writing in log): ...Extreme manic/depressive behavior, possible paranoid delusions..."Have you heard the good news about prozac?"

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Parshaara, ebost Tamassran.


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:19 pm 
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Location: Wherever the Qun demands.
"My Lord, I bring news."
Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging. "Yes?"
"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified as elements of the Flesh Tearers."
"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."
"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"
"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"
"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."
"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"
"Positive, My Lord."
"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"
"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."
"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"
"The Alpha Legion, sire."
"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"
"Umm..."
"What!"
"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."
"It is?!"
"Yes."
"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."
"The Alpha Legion, sire."
"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."
"That is correct, sire."
"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"
"The Blood Drinkers."
"One of ours?"
"One of theirs."
"OK."
"The Iron Warriors."
"One of theirs?"
"No. One of ours."
"Go figure."
"The Dark Angels."
"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"
"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."
"Bugger. So who else then?"
"The Emperor's Children."
"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."
"Um, not exactly my Lord."
"Really?"
"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."
"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"
"A few, Lord."
"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."
"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."
"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"
"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."
"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."
"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."
"I thought they were renegade pirates."
"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."
"Oh. OK. Continue."
"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."
"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"
"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."
"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"
"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."
"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"
"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."
"Bloody hell. Is that it?"
"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."
"Such as..."
"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."
"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."
"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron
Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."
"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just positively oozes evil from every pore."
"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."
"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"
"They used to be missionaries sire"
"Well you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."
"Yes my Lord"
"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."
"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."
"You're kidding."
"No, My Lord."
"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."
"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."
"Makes no bloody sense at all."
"Yes, My Lord."
"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."
"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 10:36 pm 
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Ya lazy gitz!Why'z you doin' nuffink?We needs more funnyz!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:26 pm 
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This thread is so many different levels of wrong...

Je approve!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:31 pm 
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Mirage Knight wrote:
This thread is so many different levels of wrong...

Je approve!

Can I get an achievement?

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 11:57 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:10 am 
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That Commissar interests me... But the history of every Commissar ever makes me wary.

However!

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The Emperor approves!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:21 am 
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An ode to armor!

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----

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 1:11 pm 
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Moar!

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@Nonalyth:
Fanks.Ya forgot da Speed part.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 3:52 pm 
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Gaurk Nazrek, Blood Axe warboss, stood quietly on the hill from which he had been observing the battle. Everything had been going according to 'Da Plan'; the Kommandos in their bright red and yellow camo had managed to eliminate the 'umie sentries without raising an alarm, and it was only an unstifled belch that had given away their position to the Imperial Guardsman defending the bunker. Even so, the warning had come too late, and the boyz were moments from swarming the defenders under, when... those Beakies had appeared.

Gaurk had been absent from the battlefield, coordinating the movements of his ladz via the use of looted comm units. Some Orks might find his use of 'umie equipment and 'taktiks' to be un-Orky, but that had never bothered Gaurk, as he had plenty of wins on his belt to prove himself 'arder than anyone else. His vantage had given him a clear view of the carnage that had followed. The black-armoured Beakies had appeared outa nowhere, and had started hacking his boyz to pieces. Even over the din of the battle and the howls of dismay coming from his comm units, Gaurk has noticed that all of the sounds were coming from his own ladz; the newcomers didn't make a sound, from the moment they appeared, to the moment they vanished, leaving the whole of his assault detachment dead.

His reminiscence was interrupted by the sound of gibbering behind him. A small mob of Madboyz had somehow escaped from where they were kept, and were bouncing around, fighting invisible opponents and making horrific faces at one another. Gaurk growled and pulled out his shoota to get some peace, when he noticed that they weren't making any other noises. The Madboyz acted out their little pantomime in almost total silence.

The first seeds of a new plan began to grow in Gaurk's mind. He'd stolen weapons from the 'umies, and those dead 'ard Rhino trukks were sure useful... and the Kommandos had done well after he'd nicked the idea from one of his Nobz who was grumbling about them 'umie scouts... why not nick another idea from da Beakies?

Gaurk walked over to his Rhino, enticing the Madboys to follow him. Now all he needed was a Mekboy and some time to train his new ladz...
"And then what happened?"

The subject took a breath. "T-these other Orks appeared, Inquisitor."

"Appeared. You mean they came over the hill, or emerged from hiding?"

"N-no, Inquisitor. They appeared from thin air, like ghosts. They had painted their skins, all black and red. They charged toward our bunker the moment they saw us... the sounds..."

"Yes, yes, they came at you howling like Orks always d-"

"No, sir!" the subject interrupted. "That's what made them so terrifying! They didn't make a sound. They just came at us, their white faces distorted into horrid snarls, but silently. Those Orks... they weren't natural..."

"Let me see if I understand this, then. Your outpost was overrun, and your men routed... by a group of phantom Orks?"

"..."

An Ork warband may include a single Boyz uv da Damned squad as an Elites choice.0-1


Mob: The mob consists of between 5 and 10 Orks.

Weapons: Shootas.

Options: Up to one model in the mob can be armed with either a Big Shoota at +8 pts, a Rokkit Launcha at +5 pts or a Burna at +6 points. The entire mob may be equipped with frag stikkbomz at +1 pts per model and/or krak stikkbomz at +2 pts per model.

SPECIAL RULES
Tellyporta: Da Boyz uv da Damned use a custom-built tellyporta to appear unannounced on the battlefield. In every battle they use the special Deep Strike deployment rules, even if the mission does not normally allow troops to Deep Strike. However, the tellyporta is a bit unstable, so when rolling for deviation distance, the squad is lost in the warp on *any* doubles roll, not just on a roll of 2.
Da Boyz uv da Damned may not be joined by an Independant Character, as most Nobz have better things to do.

Dead 'ard: Da Boyz uv da Damned are recruited from among the ranks of the Madboyz, and have had their personas reinforced to such an extent that they truly believe they are the spectral warriors they are imitating. While they are not fearless, they do count as twice their number for any Mob checks that are taken. I.e. a squad of 3 Boyz will pass their Mob check on a roll of 6 or less. Boyz uv da Damned do not Mob Up with other units of Orks.

Spooky: While their death imagery isn't nearly as frightening as the spectral icons of the true Legion of the Damned, da Boyz uv da Damned are an unsettling foe to face - Orks that attack in silence? Da Boyz uv da Damned will automatically win any 'Moral High Ground' roles, unless faced with a foe who has the same ability; then roll as normal.

'Dey appeared wifout a sound': In imitation of the Legionnaires they are emulating, Da Boyz uv da Damned move across the battlefield in silence. Thus they do not receive any benefit from the Power of the Waaagh!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 8:57 pm 
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You know, that Cultist is kinda cute...

:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:01 pm 
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She's 4chan's "waifu".
To understand why,read this:
http://1d4chan.org/wiki/HS40K

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:00 pm 
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What did the Hive Mind say after the Hive Fleet first made contact with the Squat race?

*BURP*

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:15 pm 
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Gah I wish I had this picture I saw, it said "The Emperor: When asses need kicked, forget Jesus!", still wish I had the picture to show ya, haha!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 8:49 pm 
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I think I'm in love.
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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:39 am 
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Steel Rehn
Some steh dry and others feel the pehn
Steel Rehn
Landing drop pods makehs infernahl din

Steel Rehn
Our eterhnel fureh strikes the hearts of mehn
Steel Rehn
Deep strikeh is our vehry own bent

Steel Rehn
No matteh how hard our enemeh’s try
Steel Rehn
They all see our reputashen is no lie

Steel Rehn
Forecast to be fallen yesterdeh
Steel Rehn
Yet it will likeleh also fall todeh

Steel Rehn
We fall to earth at enormouehs rates
Steel Rehn
The Empra’s foes cannot stop ourh haet

Steel Rehn
Our drop pods coveh the light of dehy
Steel Rehn
Our enemeh’s flee but there is no weyh

Steel Rehn
Fiereh blood rushing throuegh our vehns
Steel Rehn
Afteh we finish we prepare to fall back down agaihn

Steel Rehn
We are called dowehn by the radio
Steel Rehn
The purpose is to gain grouend controhl

Steel Rehn
We could not call it aneh otherh nayme
Steel Rehn
Everything else soundehd quite insayhn

Steel Rehn
We are preparing to fall onceh moreh now
Steel Rehn
The Empra will someday rewaredh us, somehow

Boreale stopped singing once he reached the end of what he had composed, and sat down silently, sitting his head in his hands. On paper, it was brilliant, a hymn that could be sung by billions of the Emperor’s servants across thousands of worlds in countless joyous anthems.
But what was the point if he couldn’t sing it properly himself?

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 10:45 pm 
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I lol'd hard.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 6:44 am 
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Skrakar, where do you find all this great stuff?


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:45 am 
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deviantART and 4chan /tg/ mostly.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 7:30 pm 
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The Ballad of Doomrider

"Out of the mists of chaos he rides, bike in his crotch and sword at his side!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
He fights his own war, takes his own track, If he doesn't bail he might make his points back!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
Son of Slaanesh, full of desire, He does cocaine and his head's on fire!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom rider.
Na na, na na.
Fights with fury of a dozen men, Spends two turns on the field then he's gone again...
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
His bike squeals as it ploughs on through the nearest guard, His skull is flaming as his daemon sword gets hard!
DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM Rider!
Doom Rider.
Na na, na na.
He's a killer and he's bursting out for fun! Screaming off, now he's gone, someone rolled a one!"

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 4:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 4:38 pm 
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Not Cultist-chan! :(

Thank you for all the great laughs boss. :P

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:33 pm 
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Melancholic wrote:
Thank you for all the great laughs boss.

Who said you could laugh?You must "durr hurr".

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 9:03 pm 
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I'm bored.Here's more lulzy stuff.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Oct 30, 2008 3:36 pm 
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Dey see me double-postin'
Dey hatin'
Jus' cuz I'z lootin' dirty...

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 5:47 pm 
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Now that's a killer guitar solo :D

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:46 pm 
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that pic reminds me of the noise marines with guitars they did a long while back.

raptor pic is quite good too, almost fell of the throne laughing at the rock paper scissorz XD

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:01 am 
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I present some heresy for Skrakar!!!

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And lastly

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k bai.


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 12:06 am 
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That last one..that's so wrong...

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 11:25 am 
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reminds me of meet the spartans when they hold hands and prance around...XD


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 4:27 pm 
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Dr. Doomy wrote:
I present some heresy for Skrakar!!!

Image

Image

That's no heresy.That's the greatest truth I have ever seen.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 4:57 pm 
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i don't believe those choppas are orky enough.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 9:36 pm 
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Horus wrote:
i don't believe those choppas are orky enough.

There's no point in pointing out how heretical you are.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:03 am 
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One last thing...


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:34 am 
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ANGRY MARINES.

ALWAYS ANGRY. ALL THE TIME.


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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:17 am 
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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:22 pm 
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did someone say Angry Marine?
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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:31 pm 
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Still love that one.

Now to be followed up by moar Commissar Fuklaw-ness!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 3:03 pm 
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PREPARE FOR MY FAVOURITE!

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"Recently we've discovered that Grots have quite the talent for 2-dimensional cell animation. We have managed to acquire one season's worth of episodes from a popular Ork series called "Gorkken Morkann" and will be pressing it into syndication immediately, alongside our usual lineup of children's shows.

We're not quite certain what the story is about but it features plenty of explosions and shiny objects so it will definitely be a real hit with the kids. I have already seen to the matter of compensating the planetary governor for his efforts deflecting any Inquisitorial attention from the network.

We expect the first batch of toys to be ready to ship within a fortnight to 17 hives worldwide and we also obtained movie rights from the Orks for a pittance.

I'm sure you will agree with me that this venture will prove to be quite lucrative."

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 4:07 pm 
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Someone's been watching WAY too much Gurren Lagann :P :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:10 am 
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OH YYYEEEAAAHHH

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 5:39 pm 
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Location: Wherever the Qun demands.
Mirage Knight wrote:
Someone's been watching WAY too much Gurren Lagann :P :mrgreen:

It'z orky,muddaFoKa!

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 12:22 am 
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Location: NONE OF YOUR F*$KING BUISNESS S*%THEAD!
"For the last time, I am Cypher the DRAK ANGEL, I was not born on earth, and i am not the reincarnation of a GOD DANG EGYPTIAN DRAGON!!!"

Quote of Cypher the Fallen Angel before he put a Bolter round through another dumb yugioh players brain.

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 Post subject: Re: 40k Humor
PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:57 am 
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Parshaara, ebost Tamassran.


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